EVIL PHONES

Dear Weeb,

Despite your insistence, there is no such thing as an evil phone.

When I ask you to hang the phone up for me, the correct response is not to walk away, muttering, "You do it."

Covering up cheeky behavior by then explaining how you're afraid to hang up the phone because what if it's evil and goes ZZZZZUTTTT at you is not going to work as a defense.

It was pretty funny though.

Speaking of evil, making your mother laugh to get yourself out of trouble is evil.

Bum. LOL

MINI POPS KIDS

Dear Weeb,

There is this horrible, horrible thing called Mini Pop Kids. They are a bunch of kids who sing current pop tunes. The original songs are SO much better, as pop songs go.

The problem is that they play commercials for Mini Pop Kids constantly one of on the TV stations you watch. This is the same station responsible for most of your birthday and Christmas MUST HAVE OR I WILL SIMPLY DIE requests. This is the same station that play commercials at ten times the volume as any movie or show that you happen to be watching.

You love the Mini Pop Kids commercials and have been singing every little bit of tune that you can remember. Not well. Not properly. But it's clear you really enjoy these songs.

Mini Pops Kids is evil. And when you are older you will be terribly embarrassed that you ever liked this garbage.

What you don't know yet is that Daddy and I are going to get the stupid recording for you and put it on my old iPod Shuffle for Valentine's Day (you are our little Valentine, after all). Then you can listen and sing to your heart's content.

Understand that I will continue to try and introduce you to GOOD music. However, I'm a firm believer that you like what you like. So go ahead and enjoy. I will continue to love you forever, regardless of this heinous enjoyment.

CHICKEN RAH!

Dear Weeb,

I can't explain this. I have no idea what possessed you to start screaming, "Chicken RAH!"

It was really, really funny to me and I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to... well, whatever people do when they're laughing really, really hard.

But I grabbed the camera, because I thought it would make a hilarious picture.

It still makes me chuckle.

EDIT TO ADD: You decided at bedtime, that you have an invisible unicorn named Chicken Rah that only says, "Rah, chicken, rah!"

SEA SHELLS

Dear Weeb,

You just showed me a sea shell and asked if it was the kind that you could hear the ocean with. I said it might be and suggested you give it a try.

So you did.

You concluded that you COULD hear the ocean and that must be why they are called sea shells.

DUMPED, BUT IT'S OKAY

Dear Weeb,

Friday morning you brought your Valentine in to school for your boyfriend, who had given you hand drawn Valentines the previous two days.

Friday, when I went to pick you up from school, I could see you in your classroom, crying. I knew the face you were making - it had to do with a boy. I'm sure I will be seeing that face many times in the future.

Your boyfriend suggested that you be another boy's girlfriend. Yet another boy told you that you were dumped. You were also heart broken.

Your teacher was doing a good job with your 5 year old affairs of the heart and explained that it was best to share friends. You seemed to be okay with that, and the fact that your heart's desire hadn't actually said you were dumped, he just suggested you have other boyfriends too.

We walked home talking about how boys are crazy and boys sometimes don't know what they want and most importantly, you are FIVE years old and shouldn't really be dating just ONE person until you're older. In fact, I'm not so sure about this 'dating' thing now!

You didn't seem all that bothered anymore.

I wonder what your 'boyfriend' thought of your Valentine when he opened it, after school.

THE BOYFRIEND SAGA CONTINUES

Dear Weeb,

You told me today that you and your boyfriend are going to have a kid date tomorrow.

A kid date?

Apparently a kid date is when you go to school and you have fun times together and maybe you blow kisses.

You also tell me that this morning he had two girlfriends but he 'broked up' with one of them. I asked if this other girl was okay and you said you didn't know.

I remind you that you are in Kindergarten.

Kindergarten.

I have more grey hair today.

Thanks for that.

PHOTOWEEBED

Dear Weeb,

If you turn into a rock star, we have the posters covered!

VALENTINES IN JANUARY

Dear Weeb,

Today, you got your first Valentine of the year.

Seriously? Your little boyfriend couldn't wait another couple of weeks?

It's a long strip of paper with four little hearts traced and colored in red.

You've just informed me that you want to draw a Valentine for him tomorrow; a picture of you holding his hand.

You tell me that your boyfriend from last year is still your boyfriend, too, though you haven't seen him since last June.

Love is in the air, and it seems that it centers around you.

I guess I can understand that.

PLAY DATES

Dear Weeb,

Stop asking if you can have five friends over for a play date.

Because their mothers will find out what a messy house of messiness we live in, that's why!

Let's wait until it's nicer outside and then have a play date. Maybe a picnic?

We have to talk to the mothers of your friends first. Because that's how it works.

And let's start with ONE kid. At THEIR house.

And then let's hope that their house is messier than ours!

THAT'S WEEBY!

It's a Weeb!

PHONE CALLS FROM BOYFRIENDS

Dear Weeb,

You just asked me to write down our phone number for a couple of boys in your class.

I remind you that you are in Kindergarten and suggest that I am not ready for you to be getting phone calls from your boyfriends from school just yet.

You tell me that they are your boyfriends only SOME of the time, but they think it's ALL of the time. And then I'm pretty sure you laughed. Evilly.

Kid, I just got 6 more gray hairs.

And before you ask, no, you cannot borrow the car.

YOU CANNOT KISS YOUR ELBOW

Dear Weeb,

You cannot kiss your own elbow. Argue with me all you want, but you can't. Go ahead, keep trying.

You also cannot kiss your own belly. And why were you trying? You explain that you wanted to kiss your baby seeds because then it would be like you were kissing your babies.

They're eggs, Baby. I know I first said that you were a seed, but they are called eggs. I know this concept is very strange for a 5 year old. However, trust me when I say you cannot kiss them.

YOU GUYS ARE TOO LOUD!

Dear Weeb,

You often turn to me and your father and ask us to stop laughing so loudly.

I'm so glad that you were born into our family, where the loudest noise is usually laughter.

You're welcome.

We love you,

Mummy & Daddy

THAT'S TOTALLY LAME!

Dear Weeb,

I'm not sure where you've learned the charming phrase, "That's totally lame!" You probably heard it at school.

You can stop saying it about everything now, please.

Love Mummy

THE SCHOOL HALL

Dear Weeb,

I was taking you to school this morning because I hurt my shoulder very badly and was staying home from work. You were whiny and complaining and I was telling you that you had to listen and help me this morning because I was in a lot of pain.

You told me about how listening is important and yesterday you got sent to the hall because your teacher told you 3 times to start cleaning up, but you didn't, so you got sent to the hall.

I tried not to laugh when you told me this. I'm glad to know it's not just me that you are unable to hear.

I asked if you cried when you got sent to the hall (since that is how you react every time you're in trouble at home). You said yes.

I tried not to laugh again.

I am starting to like your teacher more and more.

Mostly I was just curious to know if you pulled out the crocodile tears there too, because there is no way you'd get away with it the same way you do at home.

It's funny to me that you didn't tell me about it on the way home from school yesterday. Every time I ask you what happened today, you say, "Nothing." Or you ramble about various things, but all the important stuff seems to get left out. I guess what's important to me isn't the same as what's important to you.

I doubt that this is the first time you've been sent to the hall. I doubt it will be your last.

I'm sorry that it makes me chuckle.

I love you,

Mummy

LIBRARY BOOK SUCCESS!

Dear Weeb,

You did it! You picked TWO books from the school Library today!

I'm so proud of you, kiddo!

Love Mummy

LIBRARY BOOKS

Dear Weeb,

I'm not sure why you are so bothered by the idea of picking a book at the school Library.

I'm not sure if some kid told you that you weren't allowed to like a Scooby Doo book (you've mentioned that someone told you Scooby Doo books are only for boys) or if someone took a book away from you that you wanted (you told me a girl snatched a princess book away from you) or if you are worried about forgetting to return a book, or if you are just overwhelmed by the choices.

You seem to make up excuses. The one you cling to the hardest (and this is my fault for suggesting it), is that you have SO many books at home, you don't NEED a Library book.

I had a chuckle today when you were filling out a school questionnaire and announced that you want to be a Librarian when you grow up. I suggested that you needed to take a book out of the Library before you can be a Librarian.

Grandma and Grandpa suggested that you just pick a pink book tomorrow. And your cousin J called to tell you about the book she picked at her school Library today. And I suggested you ask the Librarian for help tomorrow, and since you want to be a Librarian when you grow up, it would be a good idea to talk to other Librarians.

You decided you would ask the Librarian for two princess books. I said they might not have two princess books in tomorrow and then what will you do. You said that there are LOTS of princess books and you're not worried anymore.

You love to read and be read to SO much, I just don't get this Library fear. We shall see what happens tomorrow. I'm rooting for ya, kid!

Love Mummy

INTERVIEW WITH WEEB (AGE 5)

Weeb turned 5 in December. She did this interview when she had just turned 3 and I thought it was time to do it again.

1. What is something mommy always says to you?
Weeb: I want you to pick a library book on library day (she's afraid to pick one, for some reason).

2. What makes mommy happy?
Weeb: Karate chops on the back (my little back rubber!).

3. What makes mommy sad?
Weeb: When I don't play with you.

4. How does your mommy make you laugh?
Weeb: By copying me.

5. What was your mommy like as a child?
Weeb: You liked to pick books when you were a child.

6. How old is your mommy?
Weeb: 41.

7. How tall is your mommy?
Weeb: Almost as tall as Dad, almost to his neck.

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Weeb: Doing some computer and reading to me.

9. What does your mommy do when you're not around?
Weeb: Go to work.

10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?
Weeb: Be the greatest mum ever!

11. What is your mommy really good at?
Weeb: Smiling.

12. What is your mommy not very good at?
Weeb: Crying, because happy and crying rhymes, but they are opposites.

13. What does your mommy do for a job?
Weeb: To keep your children safe. (I meant at work, Weeb.) Work on the computer.

14.What is your mommy's favorite food?
Weeb: Dumplings? Pasta? Hot dogs!

I should add that after Weeb said Dumplings were my favorite food, I said, "Dumplings? I haven't had dumplings in a hundred years!" She replied, "And were they very good?" Like she was going to catch me and end up being right. ROFL

15.What makes you proud of your mommy?
Weeb: Making me laugh.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Weeb: You'd be a princess!

17. What do you and your mommy do together?
Weeb: Color and read.

18. How are you and your mommy the same?
Weeb: By the eyes.

19. How are you and your mommy different?
Weeb: By the clothes we wear.

20. How do you know your mommy loves you?
Weeb: Because she hugs me and kisses me.

21. What does your mommy like most about your dad?
Weeb: Hugs and kisses, too.

22. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go?
Weeb: The Slurpee store.

WEEB'S HOME THEATER

Dear Weeb,

As you know, we are a family who likes to watch movies. This afternoon you set up all your toys and dolls to watch Ice Age 2 with us.

You have too many toys. And we probably watch too many movies. But at least everyone is happy.

Next time I'm not sharing the popcorn with Pooh Bear; he hogs all the buttery bits!

GRANDPA BUILT A DOLL HOUSE

Dear Weeb,

When I was a very little girl, Grandpa made a doll house for me. Grandma kept it safe and sound for the many years between my being a little girl and your being a little girl. Then Grandma and Grandpa gave it to you.

I can't quite explain how cool it is that you love this doll house as much as I did. And I can't quite explain how cool it is that Grandpa made it... for us. I hope it survives until you have a little girl to give it to.

A VERY WEEBY CHRISTMAS

Dear Weeb,

You really wanted a big, pink castle for Christmas. I said no, but said maybe if you asked Santa, he'd bring you a big, pink castle.

So you got a big, pink castle. And about a hundred Barbies. And a million more Strawberry Shortcake toys. Plus all the other stuff. You are a spoiled kid. But you did an awesome Godzilla impersonation, so I think that half our living room is full of your big, pink toys is worth it.

I was impressed by this wonderful drawing of Christmas. Look at all these happy faces! They must be kids who got big, pink castles from Santa!

I'm not really sure what the picture below is about, though there is clearly a Christmas tree, a present and a... what? An annoyed Naughty / Nice List Fairy? I'm a bit concerned about this one.

Seriously, I'm worried. I'm not even sure how to end this post. I'll be monitoring your drawings for a little while...

ROBOT ZOMBIES

Dear Weeb,

There are no robot zombies. No there isn't. No, there isn't. Trust me, there are NO robot zombies. Because I'm 41 and when you've been around 41 years you learn some stuff and if there were robot zombies, I'd have heard about it by now.

And I am fairly certain that your buddy A does not live at school.

Sometimes you just have to believe me. Because I'm your mother, that's why.

When you were four you always believed everything I said.

Okay, well, when you were three you always believed everything I said.

I suppose I should just let you live life and learn for yourself that there are no robot zombies.

I'm not really sure how one goes about learning that though. I suspect you'll have to come about your wisdom the same way I have - by getting old.

We'll talk about this more when you're 41 and your five year old daughter argues with you about the existence of robot zombies.

Love Mummy

NEW SHOES

Dear Weeb,

I don't know why you get so upset when we go to the mall to get new shoes or boots for you.

You seem to go back and forth between tragedy over missing your old shoes and the sorrow that comes with not knowing if you will ever love a pair of shoes again.

It's very odd.

The fact is that you've had these runners since school started, and as you have inside shoes and boots, you don't even wear these ones all the time and they are still destroyed! 3.5 months. Three and a half months until soley annihilation! How do you do that?

Regardless, you needed new shoes and you now have shoes that you love again. I can't wait until April when we can do this all again.

LITTLE UNICORNS

Dear Weeb,

There are little unicorns that hide in the corners of your room and hum lullabies to you at night.

And yes, you are right, the ones in Daddy's room probably sing songs about farts.