BEDTIME WORRIES

Dear Weeb,

I do not have all the answers to things in life, but it is my job to keep you safe.

At bedtime, trust me, me and Daddy have covered as much as we can to keep you safe and sound through the night. The doors are locked. The alarm is on. The smoke detectors work. The carbon monoxide detector works. We have an earthquake kit. We are as safe as we can be. You worrying is not going to make us any safer and frankly, it's not your job. It's my job.

Now, I am well aware, though you are a worrier like me, what you are doing at bedtime, by expressing your many worries, is called STALLING.

There are, I can assure you, NO secret agents in the house. Whatever you think you heard, it was NOT a secret agent. No more Phineas and Ferb before bedtime for you.

Secret Agent 'Little Weeb' types a secret message

to headquarters after everyone has gone to bed.

There are NO snakes in the house. I've lived in this city for over 30 years and have NEVER seen a snake in the outdoors, much less sneaking around in somebody's house at bedtime.

There are NO vampires lurking around the upstairs. There are NO vampires. Period. Thanks to Grandma for that one. Next time you review what words start with the letter V, please ignore her terrifying vampire laugh that convinces you that she MUST be a vampire because Grandma would NEVER laugh like THAT! She did it to us when we were kids too and it was just as freaky. But she's just fooling. She's tricky, your Grandma.

Your toys are NOT staring at you. Every kid thinks this at one time or another, but trust me, they're NOT staring at you. Neither are they whispering to each other.

You do NOT have to be afraid of the little blinking light on the smoke detector. All that does is tell us the batteries are working. Things that blink are not necessarily going to lead to a scary noise.

You do NOT have to be afraid of every noise. We live in a noisy complex, you're going to hear a lot of noises. Noises can be warnings (like the smoke detector or the house alarm), but it is OUR job to take care of you if something is happening. But those kinds of things almost NEVER happen.

You do NOT have to be afraid of the toilet overflowing. I used to be afraid of the same thing when I was little. But even if it did happen, the house would not flood. If it did happen, we'd turn off the water or something; but the point is we'd take care of it. It's not that big a deal. Things happen and you deal with them. No big whoop. This is not school, we do not have a bunch of dumb kids trying to flush unflushable things, so it's unlikely our toilet will overflow.

Your bedtime worries remind me of what I was afraid of when I was a kid, and except for the secret agents, it was mostly the same kind of stuff. They remind me of what a vivid imagination you have. They remind me of how scary the unknown and the dark can be.

Now I will say to you what my father used to say to me when I admitted my silly fears to him at bedtime, "Stop being ridiculous and go to bed." I'm paraphrasing. When you're older, I'll tell you what he really said. Regardless, it always made me feel better, because if HE wasn't worried, why should I be worried?

Years later I learned that half the time that would just set off HIS bedtime worrying, but he had to act tough because he was a parent and convincing kids that there is no boogeyman is what we do.

I look forward to chuckling at your next batch of bedtime fears/excuses, even if half of them keep me up, worrying, just as I had done to my dad. Until then, it's my job to take care of the scary stuff, it's your job to brush your teeth, go to the toilet and just go to bed. I love you. Goodnight.